Free reference tool

The Discernment Checklist

Your instant help to stop doubting yourself. Tell a passing state from a signal you shouldn't ignore. Fill it in as you go, download it if you want to keep it. Use as often as you like.

Take one reaction that's been making you doubt yourself. Not the whole marriage, not the whole job — one specific flare, recent enough to still feel. Walk it through these, in order.

1. Describe the situation.

What happened? Describe the moment, your reaction, your read as it played out.

2. Name the state you were in when the reaction hit.

3. Name what you made the reaction mean.

In the moment, the reaction told you something — about him, about them, about your life, about yourself. Write the sentence it spoke.

4. Ask: is that meaning true, or just loud?

Gentle reminder: Loud is not always truth.

5. Give the reaction two other meanings.

Even ones you don't believe. Not to talk yourself down but to see if the first meaning survives company.

6. Run the three checks.

Does the reaction repeat? Is it the same specific reaction, showing up more than once, across different states?

Is it specific? Can you name the exact trigger, not just a general wrongness?

Does the reaction survive your calmest hour? Is it still there at two in the afternoon, rested and fed, quieter but intact?

Where you land

Check the three boxes above and this will fill in — a short reading of where your answers point, based on what you checked.

From the guide Am I Overreacting, or Was I Underreacting for Years? — read the full piece for the reasoning behind this method.